They Need Help
by I-LOVE-DAN-MORE-THAN-YOU-KNOW
Summary: Ever wondered what Hogwarts would be like if Harry was a druggie and Ron was obsessed with daisies? Well we did. If you need a good laugh please read! Warning Mentions Drug, Alcohol, and other explict content. Cowritten by Mrs.AshleyFelton and somewhat by
1. Chapter 1

They Need Help

Harry was so sick of Ron and Hermione. He couldn't stand them anymore. They were unbearable! All they cared about were each other and he couldn't get them to concentrate on what they were going to do about Voldemort. He, unlike them always worried about him. He never let his guard down. He never thought of anything else.

"Want some gillyweed, Harry?" Neville asked with his weird ugly voice. Harry winced at the sound.

"Wait! What kind of weed?" Harry asked excitedly.

"Gillyweed," Neville said again. Harry frowned.

"Why?" Neville continued in his horrible voice.

"What! No reason! None at all! I'm ok I tell you! I'm ok!" Harry yelled quickly and ran off.

"Hello, Harry," Ginny said as she saw him coming toward her.

"Get away from me you freak!" he yelled and ran the other way.

"Harry what was up with that?" Neville asked.

"AH! I'm surrounded! I'm ok!" he shouted as he ran away (again). Neville watched curiously, "Stop checking me out!" Harry yelled over his shoulder.

"What?" Neville asked.

"It's ok Neville, he's just paranoid," Ginny said as she came up to Neville.

"Ah! A girl! You scare me!" Neville screeched as he ran away.

"Oh my gosh! What are these boys' problems?" she asked herself.

"I don't know," said Fred who mysteriously came out of no where.

"Where'd you come from?" Ginny said all slutty like.

"You'll never know. In fact, I don't even know," Fred said mysteriously.

"Oh really, well as long as all of you is here," she said looking him up and down.

"Ew! Whore! Stay away from me you slutty little..." he struggled to find the right words and finally gave up and skipped away.

Ginny watched him with interest.

That night...

Everyone was in the Great Hall eating dinner.

"Everyone, can I have your attention?" Dumbledore shouted over the clattering of dishes and silverware... and talking.

Everyone finally settled down.

"This year," Dumbledore started, "well...I don't' remember nor do I care. So I guess, just don't die on my hands because there's too much paper work for my alzheimer brain to take care of."

"I need a wine cooler!" Ron shouted jumping on the table. A cupcake flew through the air and hit him in the face.

"Shut your pie -hole!" yelled Malfoy from across the room, "I mock you with my spirit fingers!"

"Who throws a cupcake, honestly?" Ron shouted at him.

"Well, obviously Malfoy does," Hermione said in a smart-ass way.

"You're so hot. Do you want to come back with me to my dorm...with...no one else...around?" Ron asked.

"Ron! How could you! I love you!" Ginny screamed pathetically.

"Step back bitch! He's mine," Hermione replied snapping her fingers and taking Ron by the hand and leading him up to what was unmistakably her dorm.

Later that night...

Harry stormed to his dorm. _Ron and Hermione are getting busy when they were supposed to be helping me with my Voldemort problems_, he angrily thought. Harry walked in and amazingly saw Ron sitting on his bed, alone.

"So did you huh hun huh?" Harry asked.

"What?" Ron asked stupidly.

"You know, the _you know,_" he grinned stupidly.

"What?" Ron asked stupidly (again).

"You know, did you give some reeses?" Harry asked with a dumb smile on his face.

"Oh! No. She didn't like my cologne," Ron sighed.

"What cologne were you wearing?" Harry asked.

"This kind," Ron said holding up a bottle of vodka.

"Sorry mate, but this isn't a cologne bottle," Harry said reaching for the bottle.

"NO! You can't have any!" Ron yelled shielding it from view. Harry gave him a skeptical look.

"Ok...right, that's ok because "gillyweed" is more my thing," Harry explained.

Ron glared at him and suddenly took a gulp from the bottle.

"You know what, we all sound like Londoners," Lockhart said.

"Where did you come from peach?" Ron asked.

_Oh no, they know my secret! I must figure out a way to stop them. _(Looks around and spots a knife laying on the bed-side table) _Wait a minute, why is there a knife there? Oh well, that's not potentially dangerous anyway. There's only one thing to do._

He drew his wand. Harry backed up. Ron stood stupidly facing him, holding the bottle away where he couldn't see it. Lockhart held up his wand with a look of seriousness. He turned sharply and muttered a spell. The wall blew up. Lockhart quietly put his wand back in his robes. He stood straight, then sprinted out through the hole in the wall screaming, "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! MURDER!" Ron looked around and didn't see any dead body.

"What is he talking about?" ron asked. His eyes grew wide and said, "Wait, I'm not dead am I?"

Harry rolled his eyes and told him no.

"Oh, good," Ron answered and chugged down his vodka.

"Ron you have a serious problem! You need help! Now, let's go track down Malfoy," Harry said.

"Why? He threw a cupcake at me," Ron whined.

"Grow up! One little cupcake can't turn your whole life around. You must be trippin' on that vodka or something," Harry said, "Now let's go find him."

"What for?" Ron asked annoyed.

"Because, he sells me gillyweed," Harry replied anxiously.

"What does 'gillyweed' mean, Harry? Are you talking about skittles and coke!" Ron asked scared.

"NO NO NO! EW! That's sick and wrong Ron!" Harry shouted, "no, it's gillyweed."

"We're not going underwater again, are we?" Ron asked with a sign.

"No, it's well... you'll see. I'll let you try some," Harry answered. They left their dorm and went down to the common room. Hermione was sitting in a chair reading a book. She turned and saw Ron staring at her as he walked back. Ginny watched them both and jumped up to meet them.

"Hey boys, lookin for a good time?" she asked with a sickening grin.

"DEMON!" Harry yelled holding up his fingers in a cross symbol and ran from the room. Ron gave her a disgusted look and followed. She took a deep sigh and headed back to Neville.

"How about you?" she asked.

"Well.." Neville hesitated. Ginny clasped her hands to her ears and shouted, "Bloody hell! Never mind unsexy voice freaky person!" Neville bowed his head in shame.

Harry desperately searched for Malfoy and finally found him in the courtyard.

"Malfoy! I need some more gillyweed," Harry said out of breath.

"That depends, do you have the goods?" Malfoy asked.

"I knew it! It does mean skittles and coke!" Ron yelled and started to freak out, "I can't believe it! My best friend is a peach! And he's with this fruitcake!" he shouted as he pointed to Malfoy.

"Ron!" Harry said as he punched him in the face so he'd stop spassing out, "He means money you bloody idiot!"

"Oh, carry on then," Ron said and walked over to smell the daisies.

Harry rolled his eyes, "Look, I don't have the money right now so how about I-"

"Harry don't! Don't become a peach just so you can get gillyweed!" Ron shouted.

"Ron!" Harry yelled irritably, "Not like that! I meant something else."

"Oh, ok then," Ron said happily and went back to his daisies.

"Alright, how about I send Ginny over?" Harry asked.

"Ew no! Who knows what kind of diseases she has!" Malfoy said looking insulted.

"Alright then, how about an I.O.U?" Harry asked.

"Fine, I suppose so," Draco gave in.

"Are you sure you don't want Ginny? She's free," Harry insisted.

"No," Malfoy said sternly. Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Hey Harry! This one smells like vodka!" Ron shouted pointing at a yellow daisy. Harry ran over and grabbed the daisy from his hand.

"Ron! No! Bad! You need help!" Harry said, "Now when can I get that gillyweed?"


	2. Chapter 2

They Need Help

Chapter 2

The next morning was somewhat strange. Harry was craving gillyweed extremely bad. He couldn't think of anything else. Ron seemed hung over from last night from the odd smelling daisies. Hermione acted a bit agitated at Ron and after lunch, was nowhere to be seen. Ginny actually seemed quite normal. She wasn't hanging all over any guys or girls for that matter.

"Ginny, you don't seem like yourself," Neville said through his new and improved voice changer.

"I'm angry with Harry!" Ginny whined.

"What'd he do?" Neville asked stupidly. Harry was sitting right there but was too concentrated on 'gillyweed'.

"He just thinks I'm some kind of toy! He's not my pimp! He can't give me to Malfoy in exchange for gillyweed!" Ginny cried, "I have the right to screw whoever I want! He can't tell me who! I can decide for myself!"

"Really?" Neville asked mischievously, "Would you consider-"

"No! Not you!" she whined and stomped off to go hit on a very ugly guy no doubt.

"Fine," Neville said angrily.

"So, Neville," Hermione said as she approached him, "How are you doing?"

"Ok, I guess," Neville sighed.

"Why don't you come with me?" she answered quietly. Neville grinned and followed her out the Great Hall door.

"Where do you suppose they're going?" Ron asked out of the blue.

"What?" Harry asked coming out of his daze.

"Nemonie and Heville?" ron asked stupidly.

"What? You mean Neville and Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, them," Ron nodded his head.

"I don't know. Let's go find out," Harry said and got up and walked away with Ron stumbling behind him.

"Let's check in here," Ron said as he hobbled toward a closet.

"Ron, I don't think they're playing hide and go seek," Harry said.

"Come out come out wherever you are!" Ron shouted joyously, and drunk as he opened the door.

Harry was taken aback at what he saw. There was Hermione and Neville going at it like rabbits. They hadn't managed to get passed snogging when Ron threw himself at her and thrust Neville aside.

"What are you doing?" Ron shouted at a broom next to Hermione.

"Over here Ronald!" Hermione said sternly.

"Oh, What were you three doing in here?" Ron yelled.

"Three?" Hermione asked confused.

"Don't think I don't know what's going on here! I saw him watching you waiting to jump right in!" Ron shouted as he pointed to the broom.

"Ron!" Hermione screamed angrily.

"What?" Ron asked as he looked at the other side of the closet, "Oh. I'm sorry to interrupt ... proceed."

"Thank you," Hermione said calming down.

"Not you!" he answered.

"Then who are you talking to?" Hermione asked confused.

"The two love birds over there," Ron said quietly pointing.

"I don't see anyone," Neville said.

"Neville! Shut up! Don't talk!" Hermione shouted covering his mouth with her hand. Neville's shoulders shrank.

"The penguins are over there," Ron whispered again. Hermione gave him a serious look but Ron picked both of them up and threw them out of the closet. They landed on the floor. Ron tried to sneak out and closed the door quietly.

"Now! Neville! What are doing with my boyfriend?" Ron asked fiercely.

"What?" Hermione yelled.

"I think he means girlfriend, unless he likes Neville," Harry said.

"Ew! I'm not a skittle and coke lover!" Ron yelled, hiccuping.

"We weren't doing anything." Hermione said rolling her eyes.

"Denial!" Ron shouted, "Is always the first sign."

"Not that it's any of your business!" Neville said his sickeningly annoying voice shaking.

"Oh, do you wanna take this outside?" Ron asked.

"Like I'd fight a PEACH!" Neville shouted.

"Peach!" Ron gasped. He crouched down and patted his muscles, "These queer, huh? These queer?"

Neville replied by attempting to slap Ron but he missed and his arm went all the way around smacking his own face.

"Who did that?" he asked confused.

"If I didn't know any better," Ron slurred, "I'd say that you, Neville Longbottom are a bit tipsy!"

"What?"

"If that is your REAL name," Ron said poking Neville's shoulder.

"Ron," Hermione said grabbing a hold of his shoulders, "I think you may have had one too many wine coolers."

"Vodka, actually." Harry interjected.

"I think YOU may have had too many wine coolers, Hermnionieomnie...you!"

"Leave her alone!" Neville said, "Or else."

"Or else, what?" Ron asked scoffing.

Neville snapped his fingers and Colin Creevey appeared out of nowhere. He came right up to Ron. He was only as tall as Ron's shoulder.

"Where have you been, Colin?" Harry asked.

"Yo, I been up in Juvy. Watch who you be talkin' to, cracker!"

Harry looked taken aback, "Sorry?"

"You betta be sorry!" Colin exclaimed, "You whities think you be runnin err-thing up in dis crib, yo. But you ain't got nothin on me. You so icy, you so icy, I'se gonna cut ya up so bad Potter, you gonna wish dat...wish dat I don't cut you up so bad!"

"And what is this wangster going to do?" Ron asked.

"Wangster?" Colin asked, "You're askin for it, cracker!"

Suddenly, before Ron could even know what was happening, Colin reached into his cloak and pulled out an old ladies' purse and beat Ron repeatedly with it.

"Owwwww!" Ron shrieked like a little baby girl who is a wimp, "Stop it! Oww...stop!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Colin shrieked, "I AM A DINOSAUR!"

Colin laughed manically.

"Colin, stop!" Harry commanded lifting him off of Ron.

"Let go of me, you honkey!" Colin yelled biting Harry's arm.

"Colin!" Harry yelled, "For crying out loud, you're not black!"

"That's what the government wants you to think!" Colin said, seeming to calm down a little bit.

Ron stood up shakily. He had big welts forming in the shape of cursive E's from Colin's purse.

Why it had E's on it, no one had any idea.

"Colin..." Ginny said provocatively, "I'm having a party and-"

"Since when are you having a party?" Ron asked.

"Since now!" she yelled, then she turned back to Colin, "So anyways. I'm having a party and I'd like you to come. And I'd also like you to be there."

"Aiight, den, baby girrrl," Colin said in his wangster talk, "Where at?"

"In my shirt!" she said grabbing a hold of Colin and dancing on him like he was a stripper pole coated in galleons.

"What the bloody hell are you freaks doing?" Malfoy asked walking up.

"Don't be hating," Colin said flipping him off.

"He's right, you know," Ginny said licking Colin's hair.

Malfoy looked disgusted and walked off muttering about "dandies" and how they were going to take over the world.

"I ain't no dandy!" Colin yelled, "I'm a straight up G! I just kilt me twelve whities on a fly- by, I got massive air cred yo!"

"Shut up!" Malfoy screamed.

"You just hate me cause I'm black!" Colin shouted back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning- this chapter was written by Erika. We have based most of this story off of her crazy antics (wine coolers, purse, jeuvy). You have been warned! R&R- **I-LOVE-DAN-MORE-THAN-YOU-KNOW and Mrs.AshleyFelton

Creepy Voice Boy ,C.V.B, (Neville) was whining. He kept complaining to Harry about how no girl would get with him. "Not even Ginny!" he cried. Harry got up from where he was rocking in his chair to sit near C.V.B. He deeply inhaled C.V.B.'s scent.

" Gillyweed. You smell like GILLYWEED! I need some!" Harry began to act like a crazy animal tearing off most of his clothes in frustration. He started jumping on the common room couch a la Tom Cruise. " I love GILLYWEED! _Give it to me please_! " He was basically on C.V.B.'S lap. Up until this point he had been watching Harry with renewed interest.

" I might have something... _upstairs_." Harry shook his head greedily. He hopped up and ran up the stairs. C.V.B. stood up, went " Score!" and chased Harry up the stairs.

* * *

Ginny was in the dungeons yelling at Snape. Again. " This isn't fair! You don't even do anything. So why do I only get 15? I'm supposed to get 75! You are NOT the one doing everyone and their daddies!" Ginny took a breath and said in a very faux seductress voice " Why you trying to screw me Snape? Snape gave a mirthless laugh.

" I'm not screwing you Ginny. Yet." He raised his eyebrows suggestively. " I can give you 30. I'm sorry, no more. I have too many complaints about you performances. But maybe we could work something out if you let me evaluate your work."

Ginny rolled her eyes and replied,"Oh I would, but you always said no freebies!"

She stalked out of the room ticked. The door hadn't been closed for more than a second when Ginny heard a weird noise. " Stop playing with your wand, Snape!" she yelled to the closed door. Then she started walking to where she was supposed to meet Colin. She saw him and ran up to hug him. He pushed her away and whispered back off. Only then did she realize he was on his WizGo Phone.

" Okay I will get dat to you today." he hung up his phone and turned to Ginny. " When I'm busy. back off! Okay?" Ginny nodded. " Well, wat up G?" Colin said. " And since when can't you show a brotha some love?" Ginny hugged and kissed him.

" I had the wor-"

" Hold up G. You know anybody wit some gillyweed? I'm getting low. And Malfoy won't sell to a brotha."

" I might know somone. He should be in the commons now"

" Good. He betta not be a narc. You now I be rollin and they be patrollin tryin to catch me ridding durty! They first all 'Yeah I can hook you up. Then he be turnin you in to the man. Cause I'm blizzack! And you know C-Dog don't play. Cause I'm the shizzit." He grabbed Ginny by the shoulder. "Now before we see this dude, you know I've been tryin to get to you and that booty" right?." Then he ushered her into an empty classroom.

* * *

Harry had just woke up. He had a piece of gillyweed in his hand. I must have got some last night. My head is amazingly clear. He rolled over to be faced next to Neville. "What the hell?!!" he yelled and jumped up and then tied a blanket around his waist. "Neville?" he said shakily.

" Don't worry you helped a friend, got some gillyweed... and fell down some stairs" he added after a pause.

" Oh. Stairs your sure? That's alright. But how did I help you?" Neville leaned over toward his night stand and picked up a little bag. He dangled it in mid-air. The he put it under his covers.

" Guess and get some more gillyweed." He had a very sick smile. Suddenly Ginny and Colin bust in.

" What the hell Harry?!!" Ginny yelled.

Ginny was in a state of shock. Harry and Neville? She repeated this over and over in her mind. It just can't be. Harry loved me once and I most certainly am not a dude. That jerk played me. He lured me into a false sense of security. Well whatever. Then Harry had the nerve to stammer that it wasn't what it looked like. _Right. _Well he and Neville can be their own little stupid gay family. I never want to see either one again. I am totally content with Colin. I am, right?

Harry was pissed. Everyone thought he and Neville got together. How sick is that? And Neville did not even deny it. He was all just "I plead the fifth." Harry him only Americans can do that but he just laughed. So now Harry wanted revenge. And gillyweed extract. He had to kick his habit before he did anything stupid. He couldn't even remember if he was with Neville. But he could not bear to think about that. But what would be a good revenge? Harry could not think of a worse enough spell. And he had to figure out how to get everyone to believe he was not gay. He decided to go with the macho man plan. You know, not bathing, drinking, and getting caught with _Playboy-Witch Edition_ magazine in his spellbook in class. To Hermoine Ron is all "_Playboy-Witches_ magazines are degrading to women " but he has a secret stash under his bed. Harry decided to take one. This plan could work. Then, suddenly he had the perfect plan for his revenge on Neville.

During her period of distress, Ginny decided to break things off with Snape. " I am an independent woman Snape. I don't need your pathetic arse holding me down. In fact, I'm not doing it for money anymore. Gifts maybe. But money is so cheap! So good-bye Snape, get yourself another whore" Snape looked at her with disdain. And then with a smile he said " You are aware you still have my class right? And in order to pass, I need something. You know what I'm talking about. You have a day to decide me, or your grades. And frankly Ms. Weasley, your future jobs will have nothing to do with education." He dismissed her with a smile and wave.

Harry decided to put his revenge plan in action after being clean for one month. Then Neville and his freaky unsexy voice won't be able to seduce him with drugs. The good thing was that some people were beginning to believe him. The bad thing was he was going through bad withdraw. And that daily injection of watered down gillyweed extract was not doing a damn thing He considered going to Malfoy, who was restocked, for the real thing.


End file.
